You by Caroline Kepnes

When a beautiful aspiring writer wanders into Joe Goldbergs bookstore, she has no idea how her life is about to change. A google search of the name on her credit card instantly brings up a public facebook page and twitter account, giving Joe everything he needs to know about this stranger. She's known as Beck to her friends. She lives on Bank Street. She went to Browns University. And she'll be at a bar in Brooklyn tonight.

The perfect place for a 'chance' meeting?

Joe quickly and obsessively begins to stalk and control Becks life, manipulating a series of events that will move him from stranger to boyfriend. He loves her, and he will quietly and quickly remove any obstacles that will get in the way of their perfect life together. 

Including murdering people.

This is an absolutely beautifully written book. It could almost be poetry, it's nothing like anything I've ever read before. Written in a unique first person narrative, it could easily be as painful to read as pulling teeth, but instead its the most gripping book I've read.

I have to warn you, this is not for everyone. It is graphic, vulgar, and incredibly unsettling at times, and definitely not for the young reader, but it was done in such a clever, captivating way that I couldn't put it down.

The use of social media is a strong theme throughout. A lot of us share huge amounts of our lives on the internet without even realising, or thinking twice about who could access it. This book definitely makes you double check before posting something!

The most unnerving thing about this book though, was just how likeable and 'normal' Joe was. He was a homicidal stalker, but he could easily have been your next door neighbour. I was absolutely invested in him, and his thoughts were so real and developed with purpose that I often forgot how twisted he was. He genuinely believes he's protecting Beck and making her life the best is can be. He was such a fantastically developed character that I found myself liking this psycopathic man, and I silently hoped he would get his happy, perfect ending... a real credit to how talented Caroline Kepnes is as a writer.  

Joe and Beck have stayed with me long after I turned the last page.

Updated Bucket List.

1. Have my art shown in a gallery/museum
2. Have 50,000 page views on my blog
3. Write and publish a book
4. Sell a piece of art
5. Earn a fine art degree! 
6. Read 100 books in a year
7. Have my own art studio 
8. Start a YouTube Channel
9. Have 100 subscribers 
10. Have 1000 subscribers 
11. Have 100,000 subscribers 
12. Start a channel with Sophie
13. Post my first video 
14. Post 100 videos 
15. Own a good quality camera to record with
16. Learn British Sign Language
17. Read all the books on my bookshelf
18. Move in with my girlfriend 
19. Donate my hair to make a wig for a child with cancer 
20. Learn to play an instrument  
21. Have a reading nook in my house
22. Become an organ donor
23. Volunteer at Birmingham Childrens Hospital
24. Raise over £2500 for charity
25. Raise over £5000 for charity
26. Have a house with a reading room/ library
27. Win an acting award 
28. Get a tattoo
29. Spend a day watching disney films
30. Fall in love
31. Go on a first date
32. Get married
33. Watch the sun set and rise on the same day
34. See a Broadway show
35. Adopt a cat 
36. Watch the complete works of Shakespeare
37. Go to the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art
38. Send a message in a bottle
39. Save a life
40. Change a life
41. Make a tye dye t-shirt 
42. Create melted crayon art
43. Finish my Wreck this Journal
44. See the northern lights
45. Walk on the beach at midnight
46. Go on a road trip
47. Have children
48. Kiss someone at midnight on NYE
49. Watch 5+ movies in one night 
50. Own a polaroid camera
51. Cook Mum dinner with no help
52. Do something special for my parents 
53. Dye my hair
54. Have a scary movie marathon
55. Visit Disney World, Florida
56. Learn to knit
57. Be as half a good mother to my children as my mother is to me
58. Meet TSK
59. Watch a TSK show live
60. Go to the HP studio tour
61. Try butterbeer
62. Take part in a flash mob
63. Go to the cinema by myself
64. Watch a meteor shower
65. Donate blood
66. Visit Australia
67. Go to the Louvre
68. See the Mona Lisa
69. Fly first class
70. Try s'mores
71. Complete a sketchbook
72. Finish a journal
73. Finish an art journal
74. Visit Anne Franks house
75. Write a short script
76. Go on a hot air balloon
77. Own a pink sewing machine
78. Eat a pizza in Italy
79. Leave a waiter my number on a napkin 
80. Dance outside at midnight
81. Have a massage
82. Have a manicure
83. Have a pedicure
84. Own my own house
85. Stargaze
86. Start a book club
87. Make a dream catcher
88. Visit Nepal
89. Visit America
90. See the ball drop on New Years Day in Times Square
91. Take kissing pictures in a photo booth 
92. Be in a movie
93. Learn to drive a car
94. Be on the front page of a newspaper
95. Be on the west end

Me Before You by JoJo Moyes

Will Traynor lived a fast paced, intense life. That was, until he was left quadriplegic after being struck down by a motorbike. He lost everything, the use of his legs, his friends, his job and high reputation as a CEO, his independence, his girlfriend, and ultimately, his happiness.

Lou Clarke lived a quiet, safe life, under her parents roof with her grandad, sister and nephew, contentedly working at a cafe. That was, until, she got made redundant, and found herself in a new job as Will's carer.

Neither of them know quite how much they're going to change the others world. 

This book had me absolutely sobbing. Let me warn you, this book is not an easy, happy, romance novel. 

Will wants to end his own life, on his own terms, at Dignitas in Switzerland. Dignitas is a Swiss organisation that help people with terminal, severe physical and mental illnesses to die, assisted by qualified doctors and nurses. Assisted suicide is a controversial and incredibly personal topic, and as humans our instinct is to fix things and save people, but without knowing the full story, people are very quick to judge. He feels trapped and hopeless and he can't be the full man he wants to be. When you can't live the life you want, it can be absolutely torturous. Will lost his ability to move, and with it lost his dreams and passions, and a huge part of himself. 

"I'll tell you something I never tell anyone.

I get really scared of how this is going to go. [...] Nobody wants to hear that stuff. Nobody wants you to talk about being afraid, or in pain, or being scared of dying through some stupid random infection... 

[People] ultimately just want to look on the bright side. They need to believe there is a bright side."

Regardless of that theme, I promise that this isn't a depressing book. Will never comes across as being full of self pity. Told from Louisa's perspective, this is her story. Although the obvious focus is on her trying to show Will that he can still lead a fulfilling life, in the end Will is the one who teaches her to be free. She doesn't have to settle. She is allowed live a big life.

Sometimes the bravest thing you will ever do is put someone else's happiness before your own. And this book has two of the bravest characters I have ever read about. 

I have lots of days when I get frustrated with the restrictions my chronic illness give me, and I know everyone has felt like they've been dealt a bad hand in life at some point or another. But whilst reading this book, I was reminded of just how lucky I actually was. I am able to eat by myself. I am able to paint and read books. I can move my hands and feet independently. Little things you take for granted, other people are wishing for. Nobody likes to be told 'someone else has it worse off than you', but it makes you feel incredibly grateful for what you actually have. 

"You only get one life. It's actually your duty to live it as fully as possible."

Have you read this, or are you planning to? What did you think? Leave me a comment down below!

7 things teens with a chronic illness WANT to hear from you

As a follow up to my other blogpost, 7 things teens with a chronic illness don't want to hear, I thought I'd write about the things that are helpful and supportive to say to someone with a chronic illness. These comments can actually make someone's day, no matter how insignificant they may seem. 

1. "I believe you."

Often with no visible injuries, we are left with a multitude of hidden symptoms which are easily, and regularly, dismissed by medical professionals, friends and family. When someone says to us 'we understand you are suffering', it can bring a relief that can cause a flood of tears. Just hearing those words can mean the world to us. Being told we are believed can ease a multitude of anxieties whirring around our heads.

2. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

We really don't like to ask for help. We will strive to be independent and do things for ourselves, unless we have no other choice. We have teams of medical professionals treating us and caring for us, so we don't need 'babying'. But in everyday life, even something as simple as asking if they want a glass of water when you stand up, means we don't have to exasperate symptoms, and we appreciate it so much. 

3. "I understand if you have to cancel last minute. We will miss you but I will bring you some cake back from the party!"
It's really hard for us to cancel on people, no one likes to let other people down. We want to be there just as much as you want us to be there.  But having a positive reaction from others can help us accept our reality without any more unnecessary guilt. Please remember that we are not the unreliable one. Our bodies are.

4. "I'm more than happy to chill in your room with you for a few hours! We don't have to go out to have a good time!"
As we aren't able to do typical social activities, like theme parks, parties, or shopping, we can often feel like our company is a little boring. We can't be high energy and enthustistic and funny all the time. We really, really, really appreciate that you come to visit, no matter the circumstances, but we do wonder if you get bored of simply being in our room all the time.

5. "Have you had enough for today? Do you need to rest for a bit?"
Please don't take this the wrong way. We absolutely love and value spending time with you. However, being social and active for hours can really take its toll on us. We would never ask you outright to leave, but sometimes we force ourselves to keep on going when really we just need to sleep. Checking in with us is really helpful. Pain flares after being with friends for a while can take a good few days to get over, so please don't be offended if you don't hear from us until we've woken up properly again! 

6. "Your makeup and hair looks really good! How are you really feeling though?"

Saying 'your makeup looks great', as opposed to 'you look great!' (With a tone of surprise) can help us stop interpreting that as 'I don't actually believe you were that ill in the first place.' And it's so easy for us to dismiss this question with an 'I'm fine!' If we told you how we truly felt every time someone asked how we were, you wouldn't ever want to bring it up with us again! But giving us a chance to actually say that we don't feel our best, can help so much. 

7. "I see how hard you're trying. I'm proud of you." 
We give heartfelt apologies for when we are grumpy, snappy and down as a result of completing little tasks that cause huge spikes in pain and take up all our effort. When we huff and puff, it's not because we want to draw attention to the fact we're struggling. We aren't purposely stubborn because we want to defy you when you tell us to rest and we just carry on with whatever we're doing with a grimace. And we honestly don't want to come across in a 'please feel sorry for me' kind of way. We have adapted and learnt how to get through life, just as everyone else has. We want to make people proud, and we want to achieve things, just as you do. We internalise so much, nobody but the sufferer can fathom just how much. But a chronic illness is a full time job on top of everything else. And simply hearing that someone recognises the effort we put in to living daily life, can make it all worth it. 

Leave me a comment down below if there's anything else people say that I've forgotten, that can make you feel more understood, and can turn your day around! 

My first commission!!!

I have spent the last few months working on a commission for a dear friend, who is also a very talented photographer. The image I reproduced was actually taken by him, and I had so much fun painting this. I used a large canvas board for the first time, which is so different to working on paper!